Dear Auntie Ozma
by deeplyshallow
Summary: Wicked told in a series of letters to Oz's most famous agony aunt. HAPPY BIRTHDAY BANG YOU'RE DEAD!
1. Chapter 1

**Dearest Darlingest Bang You're Dead,**

**If you hadn't guessed this story is for you. Yes I am perfectly aware that it's past 2am in our morning and fanfic will show the wrong date for this because of time zones. But I have literally stayed up all night on this and I wanted to get this up for when you woke up. Anyway HAPPY BIRTHDAY! And I hope you like this because I spent ages on it and I even sacrificed my love of reviews by uploading all the chapters of a multichap fic at the same time (but I'm sure anyone who loves me will review all my chapters anyway (HINT HINT READERS)) and I hope you have a great day**

**Lots of love Dee**

**PS: Fiyero gives you a birthday kiss (which is the best present in the world)**

* * *

Dearest Darlingest Auntie Ozma,

I do not believe that there has been anything more horrific in the history of Oz! I have been subjected to cruel torture at my new University! I believe that my headmistress (who is an ugly old hag who looks like a fish) is jealous of my good looks and popularity and has therefore decided to punish me despite my goodness. I am completely outragisifyed!

Firstificaltionally, she refuses to tutor me in her sorcery seminar which had been my soul reason for attending Shiz anyway. I don't think she even read my essay which would have shown her that I was that 'someone special' she was looking for and she wouldn't have given away my place in the seminar to…

Well actually that brings me to my second point which is even worse, oh auntie it's most terrible, it's my roommate. Now firstly I wasn't even supposed to _have _a roommate, my family are quite rich enough to pay for my own private room but the headmistress decided to pick on me _again _and now I have a roommate who is not only the most antisocial unpopular hermit I have ever met, she's GREEN! No really green, how am I expected to live with this abomination? I don't think it's physically possible! And as if anything could even possibly get any worse this green freak has taken _my _sorcery lessons, and she hadn't even thought about a career in sorcery beforehand and now she's all suckyupy to the headmistress and wants to help the Wizard! I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate HATE her!

Oh Auntie Ozma, I want to be good, but how can a possibly be under such horrible and torturifyed situations?

Please help me,

Popular But Annoyed

xxxoxxx

* * *

_Dearest Popular But Annoyed,_

_Oh deary me, what a terrible situation! At times like this I find the most preferable tactics are to try and make the best out of a bad situation. Perhaps you could try some of the yoga poses recommended by our peace and relaxation expert on page 32. Alternately you could try and discuss some of your problems with a trusted teacher and see if she could get the message onto your head teacher in a more subtle fashion. And a third and rather controversial strategy may be to talk to your roommate herself, despite all the traits you dislike maybe there is a friend hiding behind the rather unlikable exterior or at least if she dislikes the situation as much as you do you could agree to work together to get out of it._

_I wish you the best of luck darling, I'm sure an intelligent girl like you will get on fine._

_Lots of Love Auntie Ozma_

_xxx_


	2. Chapter 2

Aunt Ozma,

Uh, first I'd like to say that even though I am writing to you I am a perfectly manly man and I did not buy 'Ozmapoliton's fashion weekly' I got the address to you from somewhere completely different… But in case you were thinking any different I do only like girls, in fact that is what I wrote to you to talk about.

There is this girl at my school. She is the most beautiful creature in all of Oz. Her golden hair, glimmering in the sun, cascades in golden waves around her pink, peachy, perfect face like the blue waves lap the golden sand on the sea shore. Her eyes are dazzling, like limpet pools with perfect pure fresh magical sparkly water inside them. Her voice is like the song of the songbird in the morning, like the first sound to a man who has been deaf all his life. Just seeing her fills my day with joy and one kiss from her would make my life complete.

However, despite how many times I tell all this to her and more she does not seem to realise my true feelings for her and cannot even remember my name. What can I do to make a goddess like her love a mere munchkin like me?

I would greatly appreciate your advice,

Not So Short Munchkin

* * *

_Dearest Not So Short Munchkin,_

_Oh leaping lily pads we are in a bit of a pickle here aren't we? Well first I would like to congratulate you about asking me a question, you must be a very brave boy to consult an agony aunt with your problems and I wish there were more young men out there like you, feel free to consult me on any further problems. _

_But we're getting ahead of ourselves now aren't we? Your current situation is one that can be very difficult for both boys and girls alike, but as I have always said the key to a girl's heart is through her popularity and fashion sense. Try and make her the kind of man she would want to go out with buy her pretty dresses and make sure you invite her to the next swankifyed party you hear of!_

_Thank you very much for your enquiry and I wish you all the best feel free to talk to me again in the future_

_Lots of love Auntie Ozma_

_xxx_


	3. Chapter 3

Dearest Auntie Ozmakins,

Something truly wonderful has happened! I have met the man I am going to marry! He's so handsome and popular and perfect and he's a PRINCE! And my roommate has turned out to be nice after all and I'm going to make her popular and beautified! My life is so PERFECT!

Lots and lots and lots and loads of love

Popular and Perfect

PS: I have enclosed a picture of me and my boyfriend so you can put it on your page so everyone else can see just how perfect we are!

PPS: Elphie has just told me that I can't write a letter to you when I don't have a problem, but I will anyway because I simply have to tell the world of my good fortune so they all know that there will be happiness for them too somewhere and I thought you could perhaps put our picture up under a caption about us being such a perfectifying couple!

* * *

_Dearest Popular and Perfect,_

_I am so happily delighted for you and your success, I hope you and beau are together always. I do like inspiring stories about perfectly happy couples and I am sure you two will be one of them. Of course I will be delighted to print your pictures, however I have forwarded it to the letters to the editor's page as we are running the tiniest bit out of space this week and I feel it will be more appropriate on that page. I must say dear, you and your swain look most gorgeousickle in your picture._

_I wish you the best and happy relationship,_

_Lots of love Auntie Ozma_

_xxx_


	4. Chapter 4

OK, just for the record I can't believe I am even writing this. I make a practice of keeping away from such silly frivolous things as your magazines and if I did really need experience of these silly frivolous things that superficial giggly girls find so interesting (which I find is incredibly rarely) I would ask my roommate who is one of those superficial giggly girls. However, I cannot ask her about this as will soon become apparent so taking this address off one of her magazines appeared the only viable option. If you are to answer please do so in a sealed envelope and not in your magazine as I would not be able to cope with even looking at another issue of this thing and its…. pink pages and furthermore I do not wish for the entirety of Oz to see my private worries.

Ok, here I go. I appear to have developed a crush on my best friend and roommate's boyfriend. I do not see why my brain has decided to inflict such stupidity on me. He's hopelessly shallow – at least I think he is, and completely stupid – or at least acts it and he's ridiculously arrogant – well when he thinks someone else is looking. But I can't help noticing that there appears to be more to him than meets the eye, for example when I had a little… problem in history the other day he helped me out on it and he let his defences down and I could swear we had a connection…

But anyway all that doesn't matter I want to know if there's a quick, easy and painless way of getting rid of all my foolish feelings for him and to stop me thinking about him all the time.

Thank you in the unlikely case that you actually give me any useful advice,

Refuses to put a stupid nickname

* * *

_Dearest Refuses to put a stupid nickname,_

_Hello my darling and welcome to the wonderful world of the Ozmapoliton, despite your previous views on this magazine I do dearly hope the level of service and devotion we give to even our newest of readers will convince you to become one of our regular readers._

_Onto your problem now deary. Oh my pretty pinkie what a mess we are in! You are clearly a very kind and noble friend for ignoring your feelings for this boy but how is this affecting yourself? Will you be able to keep your new found crush a secret or will it leak out and cause devastating effects in its wake? Maybe the best situation is to let it rest for a while and see how it plays out, maybe let him know subtly that you like him and see if he does in return._

_Best of luck my little friend and don't put yourself down too much_

_Lots of love Auntie Ozma_

_xxx_


	5. Chapter 5

Dear Aunt Ozma,

This isn't my worry, it's my friend's – no wait it's not even my friend's – it's a purely theoretical case that I am just sending to test you on your skills. Then if you're good I'll send you my own problem which is simple and in no way as stupidly complex as this.

Ok, so imagine if theoretically you were the Captain of an organisation like (but not the same as) the Gale Force and hypothetically you were practically engaged to someone who looked and acted in exactly the same way as Glinda the Good but wasn't. Now imagine if you actually quite liked the person you were supposed to be catching – someone just like the Wicked Witch of the West but completely different because this is a hypothetical situation – and, well, this was a bit of a problem and this imaginary person wanted to write to you for help what would you say?

Sexy Prince

PS: This situation just described is completely made up and in no way even vaguely similar to anything close to any truth but can you answer it as quickly and honestly as possible please?

* * *

_Dearest Sexy Prince,_

_Oh my puffy fluffy dress sleeves, I am most certainly glad you are not actually in this dilemma as I would not wish it on anyone. However, I will answer all queries however oddifyed and in this case any hypothetical person in this situation should, I believe seek help. They need to think quite clearly about the wickedness of the Wicked Witch and the implications of this on their girlfriend, giving up their captaincy would also be advisable._

_Gosh, you've made me get all het up now if you're not careful I'll have to redo my makeup! Still this has got me awfully thoughtful about the badness of the situation and I believe you and all readers should be immensely grateful they are not actually in it._

_I will be delighted to receive your true worry shortly,_

_Lots of love Auntie Ozma_

_xxx_


	6. Chapter 6

Dear Auntie Ozma,

My boyfriend and I have been going out for over three years and are absolutely perfect for each other I love him very much and I know he does too because he told me I was so beautiful once. But there appears to be the most teenytiniest problem in our relationship recently, he keeps calling me a psychopathic manic just because I made him and all his kind slaves and won't let him leave my house. He keeps calling me 'Madame' instead of my name, being really cold to me and keeps staring at newspapers with Glinda the Good in them and muttering under his breath. I don't understand what's wrong with him, is he unwell or under some wicked spell? Is there any way I can cure him? I will do anything to keep us together.

Reply with haste,

Tragically Beautiful

* * *

_Dearest Tragically Beautiful,_

_Oh me oh my, what a problem you have! Have you considered that your significant other may not appreciate being enslaved? Maybe take him out on a couple of dates and buy him flowers if you find your love life is lacking. Try asking him to call you by your name instead of 'Madame' whenever possible. If this all seems to still not be working and you are most certain that there is something wrong with him you could always try a good old love potion, some most charming recipes can be found on page 25 in this issue of Ozmapoliton._

_Good luck with your endeavours my darling._

_Lots of love Auntie Ozma_

_xxx_


	7. Chapter 7

Dearest Auntie Ozma,

I don't know what to do! Something like this shouldn't be forced upon anyone. My fiancé has run away with my best friend on the night of our engagement party, I believe I might have put them and an old school friend in grave danger yet I still have to smile for the public as if I just couldn't be happier. I am mixed up far too deep with people that you could even describe as evil and I can't help thinking it's all my fault for not seeing things clearly when I had the chance. It's funny, once I thought I had everything I could ever want but now my dream has turned into a nightmare and I realise I have nothing. My life is hollow, empty. Is there anything at all I can do?

Not So Popular

x

* * *

_Dearest Not So Popular,_

_Oh my poor dear little snowflake. I am sending as much pity as I can through this letter. It is most dreadful to find yourself in these situations. But remember whenever we feel down in the dumps things are often not nearly as bad as they seem. Maybe tomorrow you'll see the sun come through._

_And remember things are rarely set in stone if you fight hard enough for change._

_Lots of love Auntie Ozma_

_xxx_


	8. Chapter 8

Dear Aunt Ozma,

Due to unfortunate circumstances recently my lover and I have been unable to see each other. During that time I have experienced several negative changes to my physical appearance and I'm not sure she will recognise me anymore. In fact I'm pretty sure she didn't recognise me recently because she glared at me with big angry eyes and tried to set me alight last time I saw her (although that may have just been because I was skipping down the yellow brick road with another girl but it was not that kind of relationship – I promise – anyway I'm pretty sure she just didn't recognise me). But I'm just worried because she's so perfect and I'm not anymore and I can't help thinking that she'll blame herself for the state I'm in.

Saying that I can't wait to see her again, but any advice on how to tackle awkward situations?

Brainless

* * *

_Dearest Brainless,_

_Oh you poor soul, it is a truly terrible thing to be separated from your true love for even the shortest space of time. I imagine things must have been nearly impossible for you. But try and look on the bright side now dear if she really loves you she won't care about your appearance and make sure she knows you do not blame her for what happened to you. Just think you'll be together once again, surely the worst must now be over?_

_Lots of love Auntie Ozma_

_xxx_


	9. Chapter 9

Dear Aunt Ozma,

After a hectic struggle and a very stressful few years we are finally a young couple in love and, most importantly, together. We are planning to leave Oz for the first time and are expecting a new addition to our family very soon. We are sad to be leaving old friends but are excited about what lies ahead. Do you have any useful advice for us both for now and in the future?

Thank you,

Happy endings at last

* * *

_Dearest Happy endings at last,_

_My oh my, since the death of the Wicked Witch of the West I simply seem to be receiving one piece of good news after another! Moving can be tricky and having a little bundle of joy even more so, but you're young and in love. As long as you stay happy and supportive of each other I'm sure you will be fine._

_Congratulotions and best of luck for the future._

_Lots of love Auntie Ozma_

_xxx_


End file.
